i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
