Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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