I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
