Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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