You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
