Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize