checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize