When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
