He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
