census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
