I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
