Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize