I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
