if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
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