My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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