i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just googled if crying burns calories
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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