He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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