you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
