You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
false alarm, still single
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
