Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
