oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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