Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
