I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize