My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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