if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
