it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
