...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
