You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
