I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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