i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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