She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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