How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Randomize