i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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