Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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