sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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