Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
