When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
