o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
