Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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