and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
only you would photoshop your dick
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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