I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
please come you make the beer taste better
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Randomize