i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
