I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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