Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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