Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
