I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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