My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
