i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize