My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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