Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
