Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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