If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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