I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
