i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
