haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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