3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
