I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
