Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
