I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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