Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
