he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Oh god it's open bar.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
