Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
