Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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