There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
