: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
