being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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