cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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