Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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